As I Lay Eating

The renowned chef, Thomas Keller, has a favorite story about folks often asking him what he would choose to ear for his last meal. His answer is that his choice last meal typically varies except for one dish that is always included: roast chicken. I find this whole exercise a bit troubling.

For one thing, I don’t get why the issue isn’t framed a bit more in a positive vein, as in: What would be your all-time favorite, perfect meal? What’s death got to do with it, except to add an extraneous bit of drama and finality to things?

And, as long as we’re (now) talking about death, what are the chances that on my death bed, I’m going to be up for eating such a hearty, meaty dish? And even if I were, would my whole digestive system (not to mention my teeth) be able to handle it? And even if that weren’t a problem, I seriously doubt my body would want more than a few bites of such stuff before being completely sated. Really? A whole roasted chicken?

I watched the waning years of my dad’s life and I can tell you without any hesitation, that’s the time to have a culinary party. My caretaking, health-conscious mom, who loved my dad more than anything, had him on a strict regimen that excluded all the things he loved (meat, salt, chocolate ice cream, more meat, anything that came with fat and enhanced taste) in lieu of really shitty stuff, mostly Enhance shakes. Horrors. Let the man have want he wants. So it reduces his life expectancy 3.14 days. Big fuckin’ deal. I would sneak him his favorites whenever mom wasn’t looking.

That’s what I want someone to do for me, one of these days. In fact, you can consider this my living will. Feed me shit I love, like scrambled eggs with chives and creme fraiche, crabcakes cooked in full-fat butter, grilled asparagus drenched in hollandaise sauce,. Oh yeah, don’t forget the single-malt scotch (Balvenie would be nice) and a Padron cigar. Hell, now that I think about it, why wait until my waning years? I gotta fully-stocked commercial kitchen at the ready 24/7. Bye . . . (for now).